


No I won't leave you, darling

by renjunult



Series: You are my pillar [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Non AU, depends on how you interpret it, idk if it's more happy or hopeful, okay i'm done tagging, renjun centric, renjun is just worried protect him please
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 18:21:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21020186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renjunult/pseuds/renjunult
Summary: Renjun had been thinking about a lot lately. His and the other 2000-liner’s graduation kept him up at night. He worried what would happen to them, and what would happen to Chenle and Jisung. He worried a little bit more about what would happen to him and Jeno.





	No I won't leave you, darling

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, here I am, back with another fic! I wrote my first fic on here a few months ago, and though I didn't exactly plan on writing more, before I knew it I had written over half of this in like an hour so here we are haha. I also didn't expect all the kudos (over 100!!) and comments on my first fic, so I want to thank all of you for that. It means a lot to me!  
So before you start reading this one, I would recommend you to [read my first fic here first](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19968364). Though the two stories can be read seperately, I wrote this with the events of my first fic in my head, so the events here take place after the first fic. You are not obliged to read it first of course, I just feel like it would help you understand their dynamic a bit better :)  
One last thing, I am not a native English speaker, so excuse any mistakes there might (probably) be! I kind of struggled with the tenses (that has always been my weak point haha) so I hope it makes sense? Otherwise, please don't hesitate to point out any mistakes and I will correct them!  
I hope you enjoy your read!

_Will you?_

* * *

Renjun always knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to sing, to dance – he wanted to perform. It was what he has wanted since he was little, already performing at his school’s unimportant events. It didn’t mean much back then, but it was where he was able to show his passion, so it meant a lot to him now. It was where he was able to fulfil his dream, in a way at least. He really fulfilled his dream when he was accepted into SM Entertainment and debuted with NCT Dream. He remembered looking up to artists like TVXQ and EXO, and when he auditioned for the company they were from, he honestly didn’t expect too much. But then the company accepted him and he couldn’t be happier. He ran to his mom, begging her to let him live his dream. His parents were supportive of him and let him go all the way to Korea. He promised them he’d be okay and that he would make them proud. And even if he wasn’t okay all the time, make them proud he did.

***

It was 9 pm. They had just finished dinner and Renjun was sitting in his room he currently shared with Chenle. Since Boom promotions had just ended, Chenle would probably be moving out soon, however no one had made a move yet and no one had mentioned it. Renjun was thankful, because as stupid as it may sound, having his fellow Chinese member with him gave him a sense of comfort. He missed the other Chinese members, who were currently promoting with WayV. He hadn’t seen them in a while, with Dream promotions taking up most of his time, so having Chenle definitely made him feel at ease. Renjun had been thinking about a lot lately. His and the other 2000-liner’s graduation kept him up at night. He worried what would happen to them, and what would happen to Chenle and Jisung. He worried a little bit more about what would happen to him and Jeno, but he tried to push those thoughts away as quickly as he could. Renjun glanced at the clock and when it read 2 am, he decided he should try to sleep. Chenle was not in bed yet, but he figured he was hanging out with Jisung, which he understood. So Renjun closed his eyes. He ignored the door being opened carefully when Chenle came to bed. He ignored the flush of the toilet when a member had to pee. He ignored the fact that he, once again, only got an hour of sleep that night.

Renjun and Jaemin were doing the dishes, a usual sight at the Dream dorm. A comfortable silence hung over them, until Jaemin broke it with a question. “Do you ever think about it?” “Think about what?”, Renjun fired back, even though he knew exactly what Jaemin meant. Jaemin knew this, because he knew Renjun too well, so he gave him a look and Renjun sighed. “Sometimes, I guess.” Jaemin raised his eyebrows as if he meant to say ‘Do you seriously expect me to believe that?’. Renjun sighed again at that (he realized that he had been sighing a lot these days). “Okay, yes, I’ve been thinking about it. I know you have too.” Now it was Jaemin’s turn to sigh. “Yes, of course I have. I don’t know what will happen to me – to us – afterwards.” “I’m sure they have a plan for you and Jeno”, Renjun replied, which made Jaemin’s head snap up. “Really? I’m not so sure. We know Hyuckie is going to 127 and you’re obviously going to WayV. Jeno and I really don’t know what’s going to happen to us.” Renjun didn’t know what to say. Jaemin was right, of course he was. So Renjun decided to just nod and go back to doing the dishes. “I know what you’re thinking”, Jaemin said more quietly after a few minutes. “You’re thinking about Jeno. You’ll miss him.” Renjun turned his head to Jaemin at the mention of Jeno. “I’ll miss being in Dream in general.” He wanted it come out confidently, but his reply was weaker than he expected. Jaemin gave him an unreadable look. “I know you will”, he said after a while. They finished doing the dishes in silence, however this time a slight tension hung between them.

***

Jeno and him always had a special connection. Renjun started out being intimidated by Jeno, but that changed quickly. They became friends pretty soon after hearing they would debut in the same group and their friendship only grew over the years. That’s all they were. Friends, maybe even best friends, but nothing more and also nothing less. Renjun didn’t want to admit that the thought of being separated from Jeno in particular affected him more than the thought of being separated from the other members. He had become so used to Jeno’s presence. Jeno was probably the most constant thing in his life. Jeno was his pillar, holding him up when he needed it the most. Always present, without needing to question it. Renjun never realized how accustomed he had grown to Jeno until he tried imagining living without him. He had tried imagining it once and started crying, so he had pushed the thought down, tried to never think of it again. But with Dream promotions coming to an end and graduation in sight, the thought had crept up again, even though he had tried so hard to keep it down. And that was how Renjun found himself crying again one night. Chenle had already moved out of the dorm, meaning Renjun now had his room to himself again. Any normal person would be happy to have their privacy back, but Renjun just felt lonely. And loneliness made Renjun think. So there he was, crying about the mere thought of graduating from Dream. He couldn’t help but feel pathetic. It shouldn’t affect him this much. But then he thought of Mark’s graduation and how it had been the first time he had seen Mark cry, so Renjun thought it was okay to cry and didn’t hold back anymore. Little did he know Jeno was on the other side of the door, heart breaking at the sound of Renjun crying, hand on the handle of the door he never pushed open.

It was Jeno who approached him first. Saying that Renjun hadn’t been avoiding him would be a lie. Renjun knew he would notice at some point, it was just a matter of time, and the universe decided that now was that time. The other members were out for their own schedules, so it was just Renjun and Jeno in the dorm. Renjun was chilling in his room when Jeno knocked on his door. “Dinner is ready”, is what he announced shortly before leaving again. Renjun prepared himself for a one on one dinner with Jeno. When had he started dreading that? He remembered the days when they would have dinners by themselves almost every week, talking about everything and nothing. He felt guilt creeping up, realizing Jeno probably missed those times too. He quickly shook his head to get rid of the thought and walked towards the living room. Jeno was just putting the dishes down when Renjun took his seat. He didn’t miss the candle Jeno put in the middle of the table and he smiled when he realized Jeno had made one of his favorite Korean dishes. “You know I’m not the best cook so I hope it’s okay”, Jeno said as he sat down as well. “I’m sure it’s fine”, Renjun smiled back, although it must have come out more like a grimace judging by the look Jeno gave him. They started eating in silence. It was painfully awkward and Renjun hated it. He hadn’t had a proper conversation with Jeno in a while and he felt so bad about it, but he also knew it was mainly his fault. He hated himself for letting things go this far. His thoughts were suddenly broken by Jeno. “Are you okay?” Renjun looked up and the look Jeno gave him was full of concern and something else Renjun couldn’t quite decipher. “You look kind of spaced out and you haven’t touched your food in a while.” Renjun tried to smile and shook his head. “Yeah, no, I’m okay, just thinking about something.” “Thinking about what?” Renjun stilled. Of course he couldn’t tell him the truth, because the truth was that he had been thinking about Jeno. So he lied, and he never imagined how bad it would feel to lie to Jeno, but it probably felt worse than he could’ve ever imagined. “Just things, nothing too important”, was what he decided to reply. Renjun saw a flash of hurt on Jeno’s face before it turned cold. “You don’t have to lie to me. Since when have you started lying to me?”. The last part seemed more towards himself than to Renjun, but Renjun could still feel the pang of guilt in his chest at Jeno’s words. “I’m not- I mean it’s just nothing to worry about.” Renjun hated how he stuttered and how small and fragile his voice sounded. Jeno let out a frustrated sigh and ran a hand through his hair. “That’s not what I- you do know I care about you, right? You’ve been looking down for the past few weeks and I’m worried.” “Well you don’t have to be, I can take care of myself. Plus we won’t be together anymore in a few months anyways.” Renjun almost whispered the last part. He wished he hadn’t said it, because the way Jeno’s head snapped up and the obvious hurt in his eyes almost made him whimper. “What are you talking about?” Jeno kept eye-contact with him, waiting for an answer. “I didn’t mean it like- I’m just saying we’re graduating in a few months so we’ll be separated.” Renjun cursed at himself for stuttering again. “So that’s it? You won’t talk to me anymore after we graduate? It that what you mean? We won’t be- we’re not even going to be friends anymore?” Jeno’s voice wavered, and Renjun could tell he was getting angry and on the verge of tears. Jeno cried when he was angry. It used to be their secret, but they recently revealed it to the fans in a vlive. Renjun stopped his mind from drifting off again and looked up into Jeno’s eyes. The emotions they held were overwhelming and Renjun couldn’t do this. “You know that’s not what I meant, don’t think- just don’t- just-“ “Just what, Renjun? What do you mean then? Tell me. What are you trying to say?” Renjun felt like crying. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t look Jeno in the eyes and he couldn’t have this conversation. Not now, not with Jeno. So he didn’t. “Thanks for dinner”, was all he said before getting up from his chair and going to his room. He felt a hot tear run down his face and he didn’t look back to see the same thing happening to Jeno.

The week following their dinner ‘conversation’ was painful. Jeno hadn’t looked him in the eye and he wasn’t even speaking to him. The other members had noticed too, and Renjun didn’t know how much longer he could take their pitiful looks. Surprisingly, it was Jisung who approached him first. “So what’s going on between you and Jeno hyung?” Renjun almost choked on his snacks. They were watching a documentary while Jeno was out for The Show and Jaemin was out with his parents. “Nothing. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jisung let out the most mocking laugh and Renjun was tempted to remind him who the hyung was, but Jisung started speaking before he could do so. “Yeah, you’re not fooling me with that. Everyone noticed, some 127 members even messaged me asking what was up with you two.” This made Renjun look up. He didn’t know they had been that obvious. He took a deep breath and contemplated how much he should tell Jisung. He didn’t want to put all his problems on his dongsaeng, but he also felt the need to tell someone. Renjun decided Jisung was not the person to tell, but before he could shake him off, Jisung started speaking again. “It’s about your graduation, isn’t it?”, he asked in a small voice. Renjun felt guilty, he knew it affected the non-graduating members too, and Jisung in particular, being the youngest. He decided that maybe now was a good time to reassure Jisung, even if he couldn’t even reassure himself. He would try, for Jisung. “You don’t have to worry, Jisung-ah, you’ll be fine. You still have Chenle, and you know you can still talk to me and message me and facetime me and-” “I know, hyung”, Jisung cut his rambling off with a reassuring smile while he squeezed his hand. Renjun wanted to scoff, he was the one who was supposed to reassure Jisung, not the other way around. “The thing between you and Jeno hyung isn’t about that though, right? You’re arguing about something else.” Renjun shook his head. “It’s not- we’re not arguing. We’re just… not talking I guess.” He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. He realized how ridiculous he sounded. “But you didn’t just stop talking I assume. You argued the last time you talked, and you never talked it out.” Jisung was looking at him expectantly. He was spot on, and Renjun wondered when Jisung had grown up like this. It made him want to ruffle Jisung’s hair, so he did. As expected, Jisung scrunched up his face and pulled back, although he had a smile of his face. “Don’t try to avoid this, hyung. You know I’m right.” Renjun finally decided that maybe Jisung was the right person to talk to about this, so he gave in. “You are. I just- I said some things I shouldn’t have. It hurt Jeno’s feelings and I didn’t even- I didn’t do anything to make it right. I just walked away like a coward.” Jisung nodded and thought about it for a while. “Well if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that you’re not a coward.” Renjun smiled at that. “As for Jeno hyung, I think you should just try making it right now. It’s not too late, you know. Just show him you care by approaching him first.” It sounded so simple when Jisung said it like that. Maybe it was that simple. “Maybe you’re right”, was what Renjun finally said. “I’m always right”, Jisung said confidently and Renjun laughed. He ruffled Jisung’s hair once again. “When did you become so mature?” Jisung just shrugged and smiled. “It’s partly thanks to you.” Renjun blinked, not expecting those words. But before he could reply, Jisung had already pressed play on the documentary they were watching, deciding to end their conversation. Renjun felt warm inside, and focused his attention back on the documentary. He knew he’d miss Jisung too, but he tried not to feel too sad about it.

A few days after talking to Jisung, Renjun decided it was time to talk to Jeno. They had never not talked to each other for so long and it felt strange. Even though they lived together, Renjun still missed Jeno. They were not alone in the dorm, but Renjun was alone in his room when he decided to text Jeno. ‘Can you come over to my room?’ That’s the simple text Renjun sent him. To be honest, he was scared Jeno would ignore it, but deep down, he knew he wouldn’t. At least the Jeno he knew wouldn’t. He hoped he hadn’t messed up too badly for that to change. Thankfully, he was right. Jeno knocked on his door a few minutes later, opening it right after Renjun let out a small ‘come in’. He came into the room and closed the door again. Renjun pat the space next to him on his bed and tried not to feel too hurt when Jeno took a seat on the other bed. They sat in silence for a little while. It was awkward again and Renjun hated it. Then he realized he was the one who had called Jeno into his room, so he should be the one starting the conversation. He took a deep breath. He hadn’t even thought about what to say, so he would just have to let his heart speak. “I wanted to apologize. For walking out when we had dinner. For what I said. For making you worry. It was childish of me.” He couldn’t even look Jeno in the eyes while apologizing. He decided that, despite Jisung’s words, he was still a coward. “I’m sorry too”, Jeno said after a while and Renjun finally looked up. “You don’t have to-” “I do. I’m sorry for pushing. I knew you weren’t ready to talk and I put too much pressure on you. And I definitely shouldn’t have ignored you after that. So I’m sorry too.” Renjun shook his head. He didn’t want Jeno to apologize. “But you were right. You don’t have to apologize, you did the right thing, I just reacted badly and-” “How about we stop apologizing and finish our conversation now?”, Jeno carefully interrupted him. “If you’re ready to talk now, of course.” Renjun nodded and smiled, glad that after everything he had done, Jeno was still there for him. “I’d like that.” And so they talked, or rather, Renjun talked. He talked about his feelings, how he was worried about what would happen after graduation, how their friendship would turn out. He told Jeno everything. He didn’t know when he had started crying or when Jeno had moved to his bed to hold his hand while he talked, but by the time he was done talking, Jeno had his arms around him, softly stroking his hair, telling him to let it all out. Renjun was reminded once again how important Jeno was to him, and it only made him cry harder. He cried himself to sleep, but not before he felt Jeno’s arms tighten around his small frame and a kiss pressed to the top of his head.

***

They didn’t talk about it again after that one night. They had gone back to normal, no, they had become even closer. Renjun didn’t even know that was possible. Months went by, they had a bunch of performances and then they had to start preparing for their concert. Yes, their own solo concert. Renjun couldn’t believe it either, but it was real. While being so busy, Renjun didn’t have time to worry that much, but maybe that was a good thing. His worries were still present, however they were buried for now. Jeno seemed to be paying more attention to him since their conversation, making sure Renjun was okay. It had broken Jeno’s heart to see Renjun so upset, he wanted to make sure Renjun knew he was there for him when he needed someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on. As their concert was nearing, everyone started feeling more giddy. They all knew that not only their concert was close, but also the last moments of the 2000-liners in Dream. No one dared to speak of it yet, wanting to cherish the last moments together as six. After all, they knew those emotions would hit them after the concert. For now, they wanted to pretend they would be together forever.

A few days before the concert, Renjun and Jeno were spending some time together. They had started doing that more after their late night conversation, wanting to make the most of their time together in Dream. “I can’t believe we’re about to have our own concert. After all these years.” Renjun hummed at that. “I know, it’s always been my dream, but now it feels so surreal. Even though it’s only a few days away, it still feels like it’s just a dream.” Jeno chuckled lightly. “I feel the same way. It’s going to feel real once we’re standing in front of all our fans. I think I’m only going to realize it’s real at that moment.” Renjun hummed once again in agreement. “You know, about what you said a few months ago…”, Jeno turned the conversation around. Renjun knew this conversation was bound to happen sooner or later, so he nodded, encouraging him to go on. “I just want you to know that just because we won’t be able to perform together anymore, just because we won’t be in the same group or something- nothing much will change, is what I’m trying to say.” Jeno took a deep breath and Renjun took that as a sign that he wasn’t done talking yet. “I know we won’t see each other as much anymore, and we probably won’t live in the same dorm anymore, but we can still talk. We can text, call, facetime, whatever. We can hang our whenever you’re here. We can still be us.” He finally looked into Renjun’s eyes, trying to convey his sincerity though his stare. “I know, Jeno, I want that too. I can’t- I mean I don’t want to lose what we have.” Renjun looked down. He wanted to say more, wanted to tell Jeno how he really felt, but the truth was that he was still confused about his feeling as well. He didn’t know how to tell Jeno that the way he felt about him was different from the way he felt about the other members, from the way you’re supposed to feel about your best friend. “What would that be, Renjun?”, Jeno broke Renjun’s whirlpool of emotions in his head. “What would what be?”, he asked, confused. "What do we have?” Renjun shouldn’t have hesitated, but he did. “We’re best friends.” He didn’t even sound like he believed himself while saying that. Jeno had a certain look in his eyes, and if Renjun didn’t know better, he would say it was love, but it couldn’t be that, so he settled for softness. “I think that might be an understatement.” Renjun felt hot, too hot, under Jeno’s scrutinizing gaze. His brain worked harder than it ever had, trying to come up with an answer to that. Thankfully, he didn’t have to because Jeno beat him to it. “It’s okay, I’m not even sure what to call it either. But what I do know is that I care about you a lot, and I don’t want to lose you either.” He took Renjun’s hand and squeezed it. “I’m not letting you go, no matter how hard it seems like the universe is trying to separate us. I won’t let that happen, I promise.” Renjun wanted to say something, wanted to let Jeno know he felt the same way, but his words stayed unspoken. However, by the look Jeno gave him, he understood. “I may not know yet what exactly we have, but I know it’s special. I know I’ve never had anything like this with anyone. Do you remember what you asked me a few months ago?” Renjun’s mind was barely processing everything Jeno was telling him, it was so much and he felt so many things. “Yes”, he managed to choke out. Jeno scooted closer to him, one hand holding his hand firmly, the other one now softly stroking his cheek. “The answer is no.” Renjun finally let out the sob he had been holding for too long, almost throwing himself into Jeno, whose arms immediately found their way around him, like they were meant to be there. He had so much to tell Jeno, and one day he would, but right now he couldn’t utter the words. Jeno understood, Renjun felt it in the way Jeno held him, and it was okay, because contrary to what he believed a few months earlier, they still had plenty of time together.

* * *

_No I won’t leave you, darling._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not that experienced in writing tbh, but I am enjoying this a lot actually? So much that I really do want to write more and I also want to improve my writing. I'm pretty busy generally, so don't expect something too soon haha, but I do hope I can come out with more and better works.  
Also, as you may have noticed, I put this work along with [my first fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19968364) in a series. I'm just kind of loving these fics so there is a chance I might write more of these :)  
Thank you for reading!


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